In the latest in a string-theory of scoops, Globe Runner can (exclusively) reveal that Haile Gorbrselassie, known as the Little Empress, was cheated out of a world record in Dubai two weeks ago.
The picture below (click to enlarge) was taken by Prof. Helmut Winter, a former advisor to Rosie Ruiz and founder of the Society for the Prevention Of Overt Fabrications (SPOOF). It proves that the tiny Ethiopian was blocked from winging his way to further marathon glory by the efforts of these two characters.
The one left of picture, with red/blond hair (and incipient paunch: Ed) is believed to be Pat Butcher, a washed-up journalist, reduced to airing his pitiful claims on a little read blog (not to be confused with the Little Red Book: Ed); and his accomplice, Sir Andrew Edwards, the well-regarded television and radio commentator, obviously inveigled into this misdeed by svelte assurances (and copious amounts of Weissbier) by Mr Butcher.
It is clear from the photo, manipulated at 35k in the Dubai Marathon, that Mr Gorb is trying to open his legs and show his class, but that the two supercilious Brits are closing him down to jogging pace, thus thwarting his world record aspirations.
Prof Winter’s account of this shocking deception was backed up by close friend and confessor to the tiny Abyssinian, Father Sean Hartnett. “Anyone who can read a map,” said Fr Hartnett geographically, “can see this goes against the grain of the road, as well as local and international customs”.
The runner himself was devastated. “I thought they were my friends,” said Mr Highly tearfully, his permanent smile clearly far from his face, even on the phone. “I thought the British believed in fair play. But after seeing this picture, I can see that I was misled astray. They even gave me a book, which claimed that the British didn’t invent concentration camps during the Boer War”. (according to our esteemed sub-editor, Snr J-L Borges, this is believed to be a little known volume, written by Marilyn Monroe, in French, on genetic manipulation, called La Belle Curvature).*
“As I was saying,” said Mr Beg, “before I was so comprehensively disrupted, I have talked to my good friend, Paul Turgendat about this. Paul, like the rest of his Kenyan compatriots, discovered recently that he is a close relative of Barrack Obama. You will have seen that Shamela Jelimo went to the Obama investiture. Well, I can (exclusively) reveal to Globe Runner that she went to discuss my case with the new president. As a person of color, with roots in East Africa, he promised to give it his undivided attention. As we say in Somalia, ‘A ‘bama in the hand is worth two Bushes'”.
We thought it only fair, since we were putting this ‘pirate blog’ onto Mr Butcher’s site, that we should offer him the right of reply. Here is his suave, oleaginous and mendacious reply.
“Gentlemen, gentlemen! And ladies too, if such there are among you? This is most hurtful, particularly the claim that myself and Sir Andrew are clearly incapable of running a marathon, let alone at speed. I can (exclusively) reveal that the incident I describe on my previous blog, when several representatives of a Dubai newspaper ran on a treadmill at 2.56 pace, and the best of them only lasted 2min 4sec, well, that was me, and it was a typographical error, it should have been 2hr 4min. So you see, if I could run one second outside Mr Borg’s world record on a treadmill just days before the marathon, I could obviously break the world record in the marathon itself, downpour or no!”
At this point, there was a lot of shouting before several men in orange boiler-suits raced into the room and restrained Mr Butcher.
(* Since Snr Borges is well-known for making up languages, maybe he made up this counter-fact too: Ed)
Normal service, or what passes for it, will be resumed as soon as Mr Butcher is released from preventative detention, believed to be in an institution located somewhere adjacent to the southern shores of Cuba